These allergy thingamajigees need to kiss my ass, I’m not kidding. I am just about half past giving a shit about sneezing EVER again for the remainder of my days. Oh, and BREATHING THROUGH MY FUCKING NOSE AGAIN would be nice…

Still feel pretty much the same inside, except that I feel less tense talking to him on the telephone. Which is a good thing. We talked for a bit last night while both of us were working late, and afterwards I went to the Loft to see Angie Aparo. By the time I got there the show was over, but I did get to talk to him for a bit and helped him load all of his gear into his car. It’s just as well, I was told the crowd was big but that they sucked in terms of giving him energy and respect.

At any rate, I did get to hang out with him and talk for a while, and helping him pack up was the nice thing to do. Funny, Ritchie and I were the only ones who even offered. Oh well, that’s why others take the initiative instead of waiting on someone else to do something first. Angie signed a poster for Cole, and this morning Cole saw it and he was all smiles. On the way home from school we listened to Angie - but then, that’s all he will ever allow me to listen to in the car anyway. “Hush”, “Spaceship”, “Cwy A Widdul”, and “De Amewican”. Man do I love this kid!

I did have the best show of my radio career last night I think. Aside from sounding like Chucky from The Rugrats…

Maybe something nice will happen tonight that will just be the thing to perk me up before the weekend starts.

Not only am I sick, but my stress level is very high today. In part BECAUSE I feel terrible, and also in part because I haven’t gotten any good sleep all weekend and I need it to function properly.

I’m feeling very defeated today, in every sense of the word. Tired physically, emotionally, psychologically, you name it. Again, all of this is confounded with whatever allergies I have that are going completely haywire.

We talked last night for a little over an hour and it actually left me feeling a bit relieved. He understands how important honesty and knowing where I stand means to me, and overall it was a good and normal conversation. Although I cannot deny how all of this is affecting me, I feel very guilty at the same time because the hurt I feel is completely overshadowed by the conflict he is in. It has very deep roots and is quite scary, the place he’s in mentally and emotionally. I cannot go into details as that would be an invasion of his privacy and I’d never do that, but suffice it to say I understand why he is discouraged. I asked him point blank about his feelings for me, and he told me that they were protected.

This afternoon I burst into tears just because I feel bad and am very frustrated. No sooner did this happen when I heard my father’s disgusted voice in my head telling me to stop it and quit being such a crybaby. And you know what happened? I stopped. Of course, it kept starting all over again, but I realized something in this process. It occurred to me that I still take to heart the things I grew up being told that I now know are complete bullshit. Though I know it’s silly to think that crying and being emotional that way is a bad thing, it was pretty much ingrained into me. (I have let go of most of that as I’ve gotten older.) And all of a sudden I understood on a new level how he feels. Some of the things he is contending with he knows cannot be changed with mere wishes and desires, and yet those are the very things he has been taught are what matter most. But exactly WHO do they matter the most TO is the question and the paradox I suppose you might say.

I’m feeling neurotic and in need of reassurance. What I really need is my mama to make me some chicken and dumplings, for it to rain VERY hard for a couple of days, and for the fog to clear up enough for me to see.

Having been in this building for 18 of the past 36 hours, I have come to a conclusion. Mariah Carey’s endless string of cliches stitched together while she “sings”; Enrique Iglesias’ over emoted whispering and yelping whilst singing what otherwise would be a great song; Jewel doing whatever the hell Jewel does with her music; Backstreet Boys essentially being a hybrid of my beef with both Jewel and Mariah; the fact that Smashmouth are ALLOWED to even fucking MAKE records that people somewhere think are brilliant; Nelly Furtado refusing to clear her goddamned throat before going into the chorus of a song; O-Town…. the novelty is SO over, get with the program and start a drug habit so you can be “Behind The Music” fodder in 10 years time - thus having made SOME valid contribution to the industry; Stereophonics - DO NOT tell me what kind of day to have, fucker - you WILL lose an eye; and last but not least, Britney…

I am SO SURE I have the strength for THAT wench after the above rant…

So.

What I’m saying, essentially, is that being in this radio station and having crap music pumped into my cranium for however many hours I mentioned earlier, is what I suspect has accounted for my mood. Having said this, I feel considerably better. Now to get through this shift until noon when I can leave and go rest.

I’m not sure what I’m doing. I want so badly to be able to have not a care in the world, to not worry about these things, and to just get enough safe space for myself that I can breathe clean air and feel content again. Go on about being myself and not this familiar stranger that lives in my skin and has hooks buried deep in my brain. I want to feel the water rush over my feet and cleanse what is left of my tattered soul. Have a cool wind lift me up into clouds of filigred lace and feel that mist dig into my flesh.

But I can’t. I’m here and that is somewhere else.

Drew came by here to see me and hang out for a bit, and that took about an atom of distress off of my current mood. The thing is I’m just REALLY frustrated and have all of this pent up energy with no outlet for it. This invariably makes me nuts and incites my period. How nice would it be to simply be clueless and stupid, with tons of money and not a care in the world. Hmmmmm.

Yeah, I said it! It needed to be said! I’m NOT in a good mood, in fact I’m a bit pissy. No special reason, no reason at all really, I just am. I’m thinking I got my period today and I’m fresh out of Manpons. Today is one of those days when all i can think about is how much it sucks to be mad and not have a real tangible thing to be mad about. It has been a frustratng week, and the upside of it is that soon I will be getting more hours at work. There’s a staff meeting on tuesday and I’m not sure what that’s all about but I was invited by my boss to attend, so there I will be. Did I mention that I’m under a tornado watch and I could give a rat’s ass? Unless of course one comes and I lose my satellite feed for this show. THAT will be most inconvenient. Then again, I could end up in Oz before it’s over with. Not likely though, because this station is on the middle bit of a very steep hill and tornadoes don’t really dig hills. I have yet to see the first drop of rain and the winds are pretty calm. If I hear a freight train outside, I shall grab Nigel (our station mascot and Kung Fu hamster extraordinnaire) and flee to somewhere less… well, I’m right on the corner of the building and 2 feet away from a window. Do the math…

Making lists has been something I’ve done since I can remember, along with keeping journals. I even make lists of list topics. It’s something one of my past therapists reccommended I do,it is her claim that it helps you open yourself up more and she swears by it.

So.

Favorite Pastimes:

1. Conquering a fear
2. Waking up to the smell of bacon, coffee, and the smoke from a fire on a cold winter morning.
3. Smelling salt on the air as the beach approaches at the end of the journey to the ocean.
4. Having Cole teach me something new.
5. Riding a bicycle and feeling the wind rush over my body.
6. Watching fireflies at sundown as a summer evening creeps up.
7. Reading by a window when it is raining.
8. Tasting the first peaches and tomatoes of Summertime.
9. Walking in the Downtown part of Amelia Island
10. Being kissed.
11. Preparing and serving a meal to people I love.

Favorite Sentimental Movies:

1. Fried Green Tomatoes
2. The Color Purple
3. Schindler’s List
4. To Gillian On Her 37th Birthday
5. Cry Freedom
6. Stella
7. A Bronx Tale
8. Beautiful Thing
9. The Big Chill
10. Get Real
11. The Fisher King

Favorite Moods:

1. Energetic
2. Vibrant
3. Sated
4. Content
5. Enchanted
6. Enlightened
7. Thoughtful
8. Introspective
9. Accomplished
10. Gregarious
11. Amused

I’m at work and I feel like absolute crap on a triscuit. I rearranged the posters in the station booth a few days ago, and on the Mariah Carey poster I wrote the caption “Yes, they’re real… NOW GET BACK TO WORK!!”

I have these wierd allergies all of the sudden that come and bother me for maybe 15 minutes out of every hour, so I’m like “Yay, I’m here and it’s great…. wait a minute… BLECH!”

I’m nearing the halfway point of my shift and looking forward to getting home and eating turkey and all that jazz - then taking the obligatory thanksgiving day nap. Then having that ball-rocking turkey sammich with lots o’ gravy around midnight or so. Tomorrow is supposed to be rainy, and if it is I hope that it’s cold so i can build a fire.

Okay, someone please explain to me EXACTLY why anime is so cool, because I just don’t get it.

Also, someone needs to fill me in on exactly how and why being a huge asshole from the fifth level of Dante’s hell makes one interesting and appealing. ACK!! Why in the hell am I playing “Obsession” By Animotion? MEDIC!!!!!!!

After Cole and I watched Gremlins this morning, I decided that we should go out for lunch. He chose McDonalds, so I went begrudgingly. After we ate he went to play in the playground area, and I read more of my book and watched him. We came home and I have been running non stop since. Maggie and I finished making all of tomorrow’s dinner items, most everything that isn’t done is at the very least preassembled.

I have not heard from Him today, and that bothers me - but I’m not upset about it, I just really miss him. It’s hard being this close to someone who is going through so many difficult things and you cannot be with them through it. In part, I am one of those things. Something was bound to come up sooner or later, and truth be told I’m handling this all better than I thought I would. It’s rough, there is no doubt about that, but I am doing the best I can. I’m seeing the bigger picture and accept that I have no control over most aspects of this, and the things I do have control over I am monitoring for the betterment of us both. He’s grappling with some MAJOR stuff.

I told him that I didn’t understand his relationship with God, that I never really have, but that I would never understand it if he didn’t educate me about it. If it’s important to him, then it is important to me, so I’m keeping myself open to him and I really like it when he talks to me about his faith - the positive aspects of it, anyway. The stifling parts are the ones I have trouble dealing with, but then I think of how it affects HIM and I think to myself how fortunate I am that I don’t have those expectations on me that I could never ever meet.

I’m sorry that you have to be going through this. You’ve overcome SO MUCH and really done a lot of living in a very short time, so I know that you are going to be better for all of this suffering. Give yourself the credit for all the good that has come out of the past few weeks, because you have certainly earned it.

I wish you clarity and send you my energies and light. I miss you.

Today I am spending time with Cole, so I’m not really writing much as he gets put before anything of mine. He is at this moment making the sofa warm for us to watch “Gremlins”, which he has never seen before. I am taking this opportunity to write before the movie gets going, and am putting in the lyrics to the 3 songs that bleed, sweat, and breathe my current state of mind. All for now, more later most likely.

Free Man - Angie Aparo

Hey, wouldn’t you want to know
everywhere that a river flows to right now
I can show you how
‘Cause someday you might wanna go
Someday you got nothing to show
for all your pain
for all your chains

I ain’t saying it’s the only way
but wouldn’t you like to know
How it feels to live like a free man
To give when there’s nothing in your hand
Run like only the river can
Like a free man

You’ve only got so many roads to choose
Sooner or later the ones you use
They look all the same
Someday you might feel the need
Someday when you’re tired of bleeding for someone else
You’re gonna want it for yourself
I ain’t saying it’s the only way
but wouldn’t you like to know…

Hammer And A Nail - Indigo Girls

Clearing webs from a hovel
a blistered hand on the handle of a shovel
I’ve been digging too deep, I always do
I see my face on the surface
I look a lot like narcissus
a dark abyss of an emptiness
standing on the edge of a drowning blue

I look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
I gotta get out of bed and get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands not just my head
I think myself into jail
now I know the refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth if you want a rose

I had a lot of good intentions
sit around for fifty years and then collect a pension
started seeing the road to hell and just where it starts
But my life is MORE than a vision
the sweetest part is acting after making a decision
I started seeing the whole as a sum of it’s parts

My life is part of the global life
I’d found myself becoming more immobile
when I’d think a little girl in the world can’t do anything
A distant nation my community
A street person my responsibility
If I have a care in the world I have a a gift to bring

Watershed - Indigo Girls

Thought I knew my mind like the back of my hand
the gold and the rainbow but nothing panned out as I planned
They say only milk and honey’s gonna make your soul satisfied
Well I better learn how to swim ’cause the crossing is chilly and wide

Twisted guard rail on the highway
broken grass on the cement
A ghost of someone’s tragedy
how recklessly my time has been spent
They say that it’s never too late
but you don’t get any younger
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
and feed the hunger

Up on the watershed
standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize until your agony is your heaviest load
You’ll never fly as the crow flies
get used to a country mile
When you’re learning to face the path at your pace
every choice is worth your while

And there’s always retrospect when you’re looking back to light a clearer path
every five years or so I look back on my life
and I have a good laugh
You start at the top
go full circle round
catch a breeze - take a spill
but ending up where I started again makes me want to stand still

Stepping on a crack
breaking up and looking back
Every tree limb overhead seems to sit and wait
until every step you take becomes a twist of fate