Pissed Off:

So, after taking a couple of weeks to think it through - I have decided that I’m not so much hurt by Paige as I am completely pissed off at her. The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that she never had any intentions of leaving Casey in the first place - she just wanted some attention. I wouldn’t claim to know what she is/was thinking, because I’m still furious that she would have the nerve to tell me and Maggie that we were never her friends to begin with. ESPECIALLY me, with our history. That was probably the straw that broke this camel’s back. And speaking of camels, I need a fucking cigarette. I’m still giving the specifics of my feelings toward Paige a little more time to come to surface, but will begin chronicling them soon. The sooner I do that the sonner I’ll stop thinking about it and can just dismiss the entire thing and stop giving it any of my energy.

Danielle Van Dam - 1994-2002

I sent an email of condolance to her family and friends. I will be giving her a memorial Saturday evening. Could have been Cole or Haley, Jake or Sara, Sean or Shannon or my other nieces and nephews - anytime a child dies, I imagine it could be one that I love and live for.

I hope they kill that motherfucker and cut him into a million pieces slowly.

So.

The fun that was this weekend was that I got picked off the air yesterday because van #2 was fucked, so little ol’ me took it to get fixed. Two hours of airtime I spent freezing my ass off with some old republican guy that kept making his opinions known, and the receptionist who was rolling her eyes and hoping (as was I) that he’d just shut the bloody fuck up. Then this morning, a fuse blew out somewhere in my part of the station and the wavestation (the nerve center of this radio station) completely died - and I had no way of recovering it or changing the fuse because some brainiac decided it would be a good idea to have the goddamned fusebox in a fucking locked closet. So Steve (tech guy that I have NO faith in) finally comes and gets it booted back up. Whatever - he didn’t even know where the fusebox was. How sad is that?

I’ve decided that since no one else has asked me about it, I am going to give Maggie a baby shower all by myself. So I’m researching exactly how one does that - I’ve never been to one of these things myself. Catered one for a friend, but that’s different. This should present no significant problems, Miss Moneypenny…

I’m in the strangest mood, I cannot even define it. It’s kind of a volitile thing, I could go either way. be really pissed off, or just be mellow. Nothing and no one is stimulating me at the moment, so it remains mellow. Tomorrow I get to see the object of my lust at Cole’s school, that will be a good thing.

Craving something hot and spicy, like Jamaican food. And a cucumber salad with fresh tomatoes. Of course, Thai food would work well also. Hmmmm…

Okay, okay… I have a better visual for you… Imagine David Schwimmer with blue eyes and not goofy. Throw in a little Mark Tremonti (guitarist from Creed) and there you have it. Did I lie?

::swoons::

Here’s the situation.

I am deeply, but DEEPLY in lust with this man. He has a son that attends the pre-k program at the same school that Cole goes to. He is absolutely my complete physical sexual ideal. Sex is redolent from every pore of this man’s body; I would let this man do things to me that I would permit with NO ONE - and would practically do anything that he asked me. So long as it didn’t invlove poo in any form, it could be arranged. I would drink this man’s bathwater, do you hear me?

Okay - on with the details…

He’s well over 6 feet tall, with dark curly hair and blue eyes. He’s got that olive complexion that suggests Italian to me, and has and ass that would make Rush Limbaugh swoon. He’s very lean and muscular, and when he’s not speaking directly to you has a confidence in his demeanor. When he speaks to someone, he looks them directly in the eye. He never walks from A to B so much as swaggers, I suspect that is because the perfection that is this man’s ass has it’s own gravitational pull. He has nice broad shoulders, and the BEST hands on any human male I’ve ever seen. I have every single detail of his body, his face, his walk committed to memory.

He picks up his son at the same time that I pick up Cole everyday. I heard him listening to Rock 103 one day while he was waiting in his truck to go inside, and told him as we walked in the door at the same time that he really needed to listen to 107, that it was my station and he should make the switch. Then I heard him speak for the first time and damn near wet myself. He is southern to the bone, and has this lilting country boy drawl that just absofuckinglutely slays me.

I speak to him whenever I see him, just small talk in passing. The conversations are never anything more than basic trivia and hello/goodbye greetings. We never stop and talk. I have no idea what his name is or anything about him, other than he does not wear a wedding band and he needs me. I have seen his son’s mother picking up the little boy on days when he doesn’t come to get him himself, and I don’t think she wears a wedding band either.

I’m scared to try and solicit anyone for information on him, and am reticent to ask him directly - even in passing. Sometimes the way he looks at me when we talk in passing makes me wonder if he’s not onto me and my thoughts, he seems a little standoffish when I look him back in the eye.

This man is driving me absolutely nuts. I see him and fantasize about him for the rest of the day - clearly I need a new hobby or something, I accept this. The thing is, I have no reason to know anything about him that could be taken as just base level curiousity.

So.

What do you all think? The guy absolutely haunts me, I’ve never been in the actual presence of anyone this gorgeous and completely sexy in my life. I am in a position of seeing him practically every day. I have NO idea how to strike up a conversation with him about anything, and he always seems to be in a hurry to get his son and leave.

GRRR!!!!!!!

I’m pleased to announce that I am in a really good mood today, the sun is all shiny and warm and I know spring is coming soon. Despite my allergies, I WILL have a garden this year and fresh vegetables and herbs this summer. On the 2 square feet of space I have to grow anything… BUT DAMNIT, I WILL SUCCEED!! I’m getting a new futon and a new (possibly used) bike soon, I miss riding on the riverwalk. Time to get things ready for the new baby too. She was giving Maggie fits last night, I could tell she’d had a hard day at work so I made her lie face down into the donut pillow and I gave her a back massage - which she enjoyed immensely. Poor baby, I hate that she’s so uncomfortable!

1. Rather than bitching about things I have no power to change about the world, I opt to get proactive within my own community. I volunteer spare time with Habitat For Humanity. Does it matter to me as an Atheist that this is a Christian organization? No, not in light of the fact that the time I spend with my hands and my sweat is helping someone out who is in NO way as lucky as I am, their belief system makes them no more or less deserving of affordable housing.

2. I volunteer time and make donations of food, clothing, and appliances to my local nonprofit homeless shelter, also a Christian organization. Whether Christian or not, no one should do without food in my community when I have leftovers every single time I cook, a full pantry and a full fridge. No one should do without clothes when I have things in my closet I have never even worn before.

3. I do not believe in censorship, so I support a person’s right to say whatever they feel, though it may make me sick to my stomach and I may completely disagree with them. What I CAN do, however, is promote my own beliefs, morals, and values and open people to a different point of view. No one has to believe as I do; but it would be nice for them to understand where I was coming from instead of actively dismissing me before the chance to educate them.

4. Words cannot hurt you unless you allow them to have that kind of power, and if you are offended by such petty things, then you need to borrow one of my thick skins. I have one for all seasons and days of the week.

5. There is nothing so satisfying as knowing that you did everything you could do to make a positive impact on something before you invariably have to just walk away.

6. Children are to be celebrated and nurtured, showered with affection and respect.

7. Not knowing what your child is doing, not having an open relationship with your child whereby they can talk to you about anything, not letting your child have his/her own identity and not taking your child’s side makes you COMPLETELY unworthy of being a parent and you are a disservice to children everywhere. Get sterilized immediately, or get off your ass and be a better parent.

8. Ice cream is better when it is slightly melted, and sorbet is better than ice cream.

9. Never lie - you don’t need any more reasons than that.

10. If it is something you might end up regretting later, probably better you don’t do it.

11. Guilt and shame are absolutely useless. Never do anything you will later feel guilty or ashamed of.

12. People who drink and drive need to have the everliving SHIT beat out of them. Not doing this is a disservice to drunk drivers everywhere.

13. Being irresponsible and trying to make it look like it was someone else’s fault is not only glaringly obvious to anyone that knows you, but frankly takes more energy than being responsible.

14. If I want to talk to someone that you don’t like, better you don’t make mention of that to me lest I fucking slay you.

15. Your pleasure is never worth another’s pain. Unless they get off on that kind of stuff, then all bets are off.

16. Taking yourself too seriously most of the time, making petty things important, and throwing away your energy makes you look like a COMPLETE ass. Whereas most will tell others behind your back, I would rather tell you - “Dude, you look like an ASS right about now”.

17. People who do not compliment your life will complicate it.

18. There is something to be said for laying down roots and establishing something that is yours.

19. Excessive bitching makes you unattractive and prevents you from getting laid.

20. Seeing the movies “The Next Best Thing”, “Meet Joe Black”, and “The Talented Mr. Ripley” wasted roughly 6.5 hours of my life that I will NEVER, EVER get back.

21. Holding the door for the next person coming in or going out is a good thing.

22. Picking 5 people daily and telling them they look FANTASTIC is a good thing.

23. You should smile and say “Hello” to everyone who in passing looks you in the eye.

24. Leave your chang
e in the vending machine slot - someone needs it who is a nickel or a dime short.

25. Once a month at least, it is good to pay the toll of the car behind you on the freeway. That’s the person who will one day help you when you need it.

26. If the waiter or waitress does something to your food because you were a dick, and they will - trust me on this - you kinda asked for it. If the waiter or waitress happens to BE the dick, avoid possible food contamination altogether by politely summoning the manager for a new waitron.

27. Never, EVER let it go when you see an employer belittling his/her employees in the presence of patrons. ALWAYS make sure to belittle them for this action in the presence of said employee, and make sure to contact the supervisor about the incident.

28. No matter what ANYONE tells you, if you’re just doing it to be meanspirited, YOU ARE IN THE WRONG.

29. You cannot make anyone do anything when you really get down to it. Making empty threats that you canot back up or do not follow through on makes you look like an asshole. (refer to # 16)

30. The louder you get, the less sense you make to the people forcing themselves to listen to your loud ass.

31. Share whenever you can.

32. Hold a friend’s hand every opportunity you get.

33. You have NO power to change anyone else’s mind, but you can set a good example for them to follow.

Gravity:

Caught in the shadows, my head is spinning
everything’s moving around and around
the people are betting and the loser that’s winning
is the one who has dibs on my face in the ground

And I know “Hey, suck it up Girl”
And I know “It’s perspective you lack”
But my list is red starfish and blue lizard’s tails
And I mark one thing off and five more come right back

Well I like the concept of tight vacuum packed
Let’s shove fifty pounds of shit into a ten pound bag
So that keeps me chasing my tail all around
And most of the time It’s me being wagged

And I know I’m at the brow of my being
And I know it’s so hard to look down
And I’m probably as free as I’ll ever be
Still I choose to live like I’m gagging and bound

I wonder what it’s like to walk around weightless
To jump for your heart and to never come down
To know the potential of true human will
Without all this damned gravity dragging us down

And I know one day we will wake up
And I know and start to live as ourselves
and not let the cowards of history claim us
and stop pointing our fingers at everyone else

Shift:

Nobody would’ve ever thought nobody would’ve ever guessed
that I would open my mouth and fire would breathe from my chest
“Now isn’t she the girl that’s all daisy and clover?”
“She’s so easy to work with, she’s so easy to push over”

And I will open my mouth and you can whore me out
‘Cause the Yin, the Yin is what it’s about
You say “Art” in this business and you might as well be flogged
“Justice” in this business and you can look for another job
But you say “Money” in this business and the suited worms will crawl
they will take all your sweat and make another strip mall

And it’s gonna be tit for tat
and it’s gonna be just fine
and it’s gonna be how do you like that
look out ’cause I’m about to shift your paradigm

Guess I should have known guess I should have expected
you’d abuse your own family at best I’d be neglected
wasn’t I baptized by fire to be braver?
cut my teeth on the devil, didn’t need you as savior
and I did open up my heart and you did play me out
‘Cause the Yin, the Yin was what it’s about

You said art was your business, you believed in what I do
Justice as long as I made four times less than you
And money was so scarce and your family would starve
And we watched you drive away in fifty thousand dollar cars

I will keep my mouth shut and won’t say a word
Buy him a drink little girl
Look out Look out Look out …

Drag Me Down:

Watch them slink, slide low
Wicked come and wicked go
Wicked reap what wicked sow
and I don’t mean maybe

Watch your step white boy
‘Cause there are ghosts that I employ
and they will roll right through your veins
and it’ll drive you crazy

No you don’t have to drag me down
I am drawn to the bottom end
No you don’t have to drag me down
After all, I descend

Maybe I’ll bewitch, befriend, beguile
Be the big breath, last step, marathon mile
or be strung out, wrung out, or hung out to dry

Maybe I won’t see my name in lights
Ask the corporate music factory why
Then next whiplash, pan flash, big bosomed wonder
I tell ‘em all to “FUCK OFF” as I go under

By The Skin Of Her Teeth:

What more can I do for you
As I stand here naked before your eyes
To do what you will as you always will do
Should I roll up my sleeves
Or simply turn my head
Easy access for all the vampires
that secretly wish me bleeding and dead

(Just Ask) ‘Cause I am a bleeder
(Just Ask) For all the bottom feeders
(Just Ask) I’ll be here much longer
And I will be stronger than you know

How much longer can this last?
That she will play the mental punching bag for all of the blows he’s received in the past
How much longer can she keep the peace?
Between these beauties that sprung from her belly
and the cycle that rages in the gut of his beast

(Just Ask) ‘Cause she is a giver
(Just Ask) She’ll stand and deliver
(Just Ask) She’ll be here much longer and she will be stronger than you know

Or is it the anger that draws you to these songs?
‘Cause I got notches in my belt for bruises that prove
That what you assume couldn’t be more wrong
Or is it
the struggle
A shared common grief
To see a lover; a mother; another woman get by
By the skin of her teeth

(Just Ask) They’ll dub you a fighter
(Just Ask) A guts and glory writer
And you will fill up their hearts and you will fill up their needs
And they will love you darling
Until you succeed

Come Home Blues:

Well baby come on home
you know I got that itch
Well baby come on home
you know I got that itch
Come home and scratch my belly baby
watch my ankle twitch

Well baby come on home
you know I miss that smell
Pretty baby come on home
you know I miss that smell
Come loosen up my collar baby
watch me wag my tail

Well I ain’t no saint, and you ain’t no fool
I’ll do to you what I want done to me
We’ll practice that Golden Rule
Come home - there ain’t a moment none too soon
Well since you been gone baby I been howlin’ at the moon

Well baby come home
You know it’s been way too long
Pretty baby come on home
you know it’s been too long
Don’t keep me siting and begging baby
Throw this bitch a bone!

Don’t keep me sitting and begging baby
Quit tom cattin’ and come back home to me baby

Page #2:

He said “You’re one of those girls who’s not too pretty
not too ugly, oh I guess you’ll have to do.”
And I said “You must be reading the story of my life, boy
and if you like the beginning wait til page number two.”

‘Cause some have tried to polish and many to refine me
Still others that would say all my edges are too smooth
And I’m stuck here in the middle just trying to define me
To rummage through the ruins and find some living peeking through

‘Cause I have decided that here is where I’m staying
and no matter where I’m going here’s where I will stand
And as long as I am breathing I’ll sing my joy and my grieving
and I’ll fumble with this guitar until arthritis takes these hands

And I wonder what will happen and how I’ll leave this earth
And I wonder what of this life will have meaning
Will I go like my Grandma, rejoicing rebirth
or will I go like my Grandpa, kicking and screaming

But I guess in the meantime I should stop all this thinking
find peace in the searching whether lost or ever found
So if you want me I’ll be with Gracie, laughing and drinking
raising toasts and raising spirits and smashing finished glasses down

‘Cause I have decided that here is where I’m staying
and no matter where I’m going here’s where I will stand
And like all the ones before us I’ll raise my voice in holy chorus
and watch as the sacred circle begins where it ends

‘Cause I’m one of those girls who’s not too pretty
not too ugly, oh I guess I’ll have to do
And I’m currently rereading the story of my life boy
And I can’t wait to find out what happens on page number two

Cold-Sweat Scream:

I been sleeping on a rich woman’s pillow
I been sleeping on a rich man’s bed
I been sleeping on a rich woman’s pillow
And in my dreams that pillow said…

She said “Why do you always fuss and fight?”
I said “We ain’t got that long”
She said “Shut up and talk, we got all night”

I been sleeping on a rich woman’s pillow
I been sleeping on a rich man’s bed
I been sleeping on a rich woman’s pillow
And in my dreams that pillow said…

When you turn out the light to your memory
Can you tell me just what do you see?
When you push back the cobwebs and fish out the mothballs
Are you still surprised to see me?

I’m the postcard and shotglass from Texas
I’m the wine stain that never came clean
Or a phone number left in a wad in your pocket
Dried and crumbled from the washing machine

I been sleeping on a rich woman’s pillow
I been sleeping on a rich man’s bed
I been sleeping on a rich woman’s pillow
And in my dreams that pillow said…

She said “Why do you always fuss and fight?”
I said “We ain’t got that long”
She said “Shut up and talk, we got all night”

When you turn out your lights in the evening
Can you tell me just what do you dream?
When you let go of all of your conscious defenses
Are your unconscious visions of me?
Do I ride in in Godiva splendor?
Do I waltz in and steal all your steam?
Do I crouch in a corner of your bedroom laughing
When you wake in th
at cold-sweat scream?

A Place For You:

There’s a place for you beyond the space and time
that can cool the fires burning in your troubled mind
There’ll be no crying there
There’ll be no fear or fear or grief
But there is joy and there is laughter
and there is sweet relief
Now with both eyes closed I will jump with you into the great unknown

So let it go, let it leave, let it circle round about you
Let it know that you must breathe and it will have to live without you
Oh this pain that you bore you don’t own it anymore
So let it go, oh let it go

There’s a way for you beyond the dark path of present
It is a thousand points of light burning brilliant incandescent
There’ll be no hurry there, there’ll be no question where you’re going
But there is time and communion and so much red wine flowing
Now you’re almost there - you should know by now I would follow you anywhere

So let it go, let it leave, let it circle round about you
Let it know that you must sleep and it will have to live without you
Oh this pain that you bore you don’t own it anymore
So let it go, oh let it go

Beyond the walls of comprehension past the door to understanding
There’s a window on a peace that we call knowing
And it wasn’t our decision and it is not what we are planning
But it set us on this path and it is ours now where we’re going

So let it go, let it leave, let it circle round about you
Let it know that you can sleep so it will have to live without you
Oh this pain that you bore you don’t own it anymore
So let it go, oh let it go

What more can I do for you?
As I stand here naked before your eyes
to do what you will as you always will do
Should I roll up my sleeves
Or simply turn my head
Easy access for all the vampires
that secretly wish me bleeding and dead

(Just Ask) ‘Cause I am a bleeder
(Just Ask) For all the bottom feeders
(Just Ask) I’ll be here much longer
And I will be stronger than you know

How much longer can this last?
That she will play the mental punching bag for all of the blows he’s received in the past
How much longer can she keep the peace?
Between these beauties that sprung from her belly
and the cycle that rages in the gut of his beast

(Just Ask) ‘Cause she is a giver
(Just Ask) She’ll stand and deliver
(Just Ask) She’ll be here much longer and she will be stronger than you know

Or is it the anger that draws you to these songs?
‘Cause I got notches in my belt for bruises that prove
That what you assume couldn’t be more wrong
Or is it the struggle
A shared common grief
To see a lover; a mother; another woman get by
By the skin of her teeth

(Just Ask) They’ll dub you a fighter
(Just Ask) A guts and glory writer
And you will fill up their hearts and you will fill up their needs
And they will love you darling
Until you succeed

She took him back. I told her that as long as he was in her life that I wouldn’t be, and she told me that if I wasn’t going to be supportive of her then I was never her friend to begin with. It broke my heart completely, but I said goodbye to one of my best friends in the whole world because I had no other choice.

Again I grieve.

Went to Atlanta lst night with Paige & Andrew to see Jennifer for her album release party. We met Tony for dinner and then he came to the show with us.

The show itself was very good, aside from the headache I got midway through the set and kept with me until just a short while ago. I got some cds and was able to speak to Jennifer for a short time, she was being mobbed and I needed to let her do her thing. I was thrilled to get the new cd, it is everything I had hoped it would be and much much more.

So then we get back in the car to come home. I’m driving, Andrew is in the backseat talking on his cell phone (to Jennie I’m guessing), and Paige is sitting next to me talking to her recent ex boyfriend Casey (who will be known to me from now on as Wretched Psychotic Motherfucker) when the hell that took control of my brain then ensued.

He was apparently saying yet MORE meanspirited and spiteful things to her, and at some point told her that when we got back to town, he would be waiting at the station… my fucking place of employment… to kick my ass - apparently for no other reason than he hates me and is jealous of the fact that I was spending quality time with her and not him. As if any time with him could ever be classified as quality. Anyway, this is the point where I completely lost my shit. I have NO idea what I said or might have said for that matter, because I felt so completely full of rage that I was shaking. I looked down and I’m going 95 miles an hour down a freeway exit ramp. In that very moment my feelings became very apparent to me about this whole situation; I’ve had it, I’m done, I have NO more patience for this. Some time today I will make it very clear to her that he is never to be mentioned to me again UNLESS I know for sure that she has severed all contact with him. And I mean ALL contact. I will have nothing to do with this ever again, I will not be complacent about my complete aversion to her maintaining ties with that piece of shit. I will no longer be supportive of anything she does so long as he is actively in her life.

I don’t ask for much of anything, and seldom do I ever want anything for myself. MAYBE once a month I get to see Jennifer and hear her music and spend a small amount of time with her. Last night was HER night. It was a special time for her and myself both, and both he AND Paige absofuckinglutely ruined it. Him for obvious reasons; her for talking to him in the first place and not listening when Maggie and I tell her that she has to stop talking to him ENTIRELY. If she wants to completely destroy herself, I can do nothing about that. She wants to keep bullshitting everyone and end up back with this asshole, again - nothing I can do about it. But I’ll be GODDAMNED if I’ll sit idly by and hold her hand while she does it. I love Paige dearly, but as I told her last night - I have absolutely reached the end of my patience with this shit. I wash my hands of it, I will not be this frustrated again over his shortcomings and her unwillingness to follow through with what she says she’s going to do. She maintains to me that “it’s just very hard for her, I don’t want to hurt anyone no matter what they do to me” and that is COMPLETE bullshit. This bastard that not only hates you and everything you love and has the nerve to call THAT loving you; overlooking him threatning your life and the life of your children’s father; overlooking how his abuse not only breaks your spirit when you PROMISED yourself you’d never let someone do that to you again; his complete disrespect of your children; fuck! I could make this a separate entry… Walking away from this motherfucker is the hard part? NO - being his punching bag/doormat is the hard. I’m done with it - I am SO fucking done.

Now THIS is the part where I get a brand new wound of my very own. On Valentine’s Day I broke down and emailed Daniel. All I said was “Happy Valentine’s Day”. What response do I get? Hold on to yourself… His reply was a very curtly written “Thank you for thinking about me”. That’s it.
That’s all I got. In a word: Cruel.

Let me go to sleep this afternon and wake in a better mood or let me not wake up at all - because someone somewhere WILL get hurt by me if something doesn’t give today. I can only take so much, and I have more than reached my limit.

Tell you what - if you’re thinking about posting a response to this entry, don’t - just don’t. Make that your act of kindness towards me right now. And if you happen to know me in real life and see me anytime within the next millenia and I don’t bring this up in conversation first, don’t make the mistake of mentioning this to me. Don’t make jokes, don’t offer advice or your opinion. I will be less than kind and you will have begged for what I give you. Be told…