No one I know is allowed to die until at LEAST next year.

Yesterday was just wierd. Emotional rollercoaster type wierd. I think I went through every emotion I have yesterday. Grief when I was at the cemetery and was the last person standing at my Grammert’s coffin and blew her a kiss, whispering “Goodbye” and choking back my tears; overwhelming sadness and joy together when my Mama showed up at the funeral and went to speak to my Daddy, they chatted for a few minutes and hugged - which made me very happy. Seeing that made me wish things could have been different in some ways. I looked around and noticed that I was watching my parents communicate peacefully in the presence of all of my brothers and sisters, which hasn’t happened since I can remember. We were all standing in a circle surrounding them and I could do nothing but stand there and cry. It healed some wounds deep within me and reopened others. Elation and pride for my Mama when she walked over to my stepmother Marcia (for whom her hatred is well known and documented) and not only told her how pretty she looked - but gave her a hug. Disgust, unrelenting anger and shame at my brother (whom I don’t claim in the first place as he is a giant asshole) for his completely inappropriate behavior and racist commentary at my Aunt Kathleen’s house in the presence of his children, my mother, my aunt, and sisters.

There are tons more, but honestly I am so completely spent right now that I feel my head being crushed from numbness and thought at the same time. It’s insane. Part of me wants to cry all of the time just for the release if nothing else. I haven’t slept much since Sunday, and have been getting my headaches with a lot more frequency in the past couple of days. I’m doing my best to eat when I’m hungry, but have noticed that I haven’t finished a full meal since I ate my salad on Tuesday night. My appetite will come back when it is ready. I’m hoping it will this weekend when I’m in Atlanta with Damien and his family (my new family). Speaking of, both he and his mother just called to check up on me.

I want to let you all know that I appreciate your love and support for me, more now than ever when I’ve needed it so much. I’m dealing with so many things right now that I feel I’m drowning sometimes and knowing that I have somehow been lucky enough to earn the love, respect, and support of such fine people does actually make a significant difference in feeling that I will not go through all of this alone. For that and all of the other gifts you gus bring to my life, I love you and thank you.

This is just way too much for one person to deal with at one time.

I went to my Uncle Kelly’s funeral yesterday, I rode with my brother and sisters. They told me that my stepmother, Marcia, has been diagnosed with the onset of Alzheimer’s disease, which is a completely horrifying and terrifying illness. I cannot even talk about that one right now.

The plan was to go to the funeral and then go to the nursing home to visit my Grandmother, who was ill with cancer herself. We went to the funeral at 11, and my father called us on the drive up to tell us he was flying in to Atlanta and getting a rental and would be on the way soon. It is about a 40 minute drive to Rome, where these relatives live. He was going to see about his mother first and would meet us at the graveside service. While at the funeral, my brother Mark got a call from my father on his cellphone and talked to my sisters. They in turn found me and my oldest sister Lucy came to me, crying beside my sister Shay (who was crying hysterically), hugged me and whispered into my ear “Daddy just called - Grandmother died about 5 minutes ago.”

I ran outside of the funeral home and have no idea what happened over the next few minutes until we had to make quick apologies for having to leave so soon. People were consoling us and all I wanted was to NOT be touched.

I wanted to be where my Daddy was, that was all I wanted. We saw him for a while and then went to see my oldest Aunt, the next one I’m sure to lose as she is homebound with her cancer. While we were there, my Aunt Lila - my complete familial nemesis, the one member of my family I care N O T H I N G for comes in and in the process of making small talk she says to me, totally emotionlessly, “You DO know that your Grandmother just died, don’t you?”

I am still in disbelief.

This is just way too much to deal with at once. I need sleep.

Watched “Pete’s Dragon” last night with Damien, Cole, and Haley - I forgot how much I loved that movie! I don’t have much to talk about just yet today, so I’ll leave you with some fun stuff.

For those of you who know, I am a huge Jeff Buckley fan. I recently found the DVD concert he did, and wanted you all to see some stuff by him. Here are a few of his videos, and two electronic press kits that were released by Columbia for the studio releases.

Hs first album for the record label, Grace, was such a huge record in so many different ways. From the diversity of the songs to the fact that his amazing 5-octave vocal range was captured in such a way that even if you didn’t really dig his music, his voice commanded your attention and respect.

Jeff had recorded several experimental demo versions of songs that were to be his follow up album to Grace, to be entitled My Sweetheart The Drunk. Tragically, the day before recording was to begin he drowned in Memphis and the album was never recorded. He died at the age of 30, having one solo release under his belt and a handful of demos that were eventually released under the title Sketches For My Sweetheart The Drunk.

From Grace:

Last Goodbye

Grace

So Real

Eternal Life (Live In Chicago)

From Sketches:

Everybody Here Wants You

My trigger finger is itchin’ like a motherfucker. Having read everyone else’s opinions thus far about what is right, wrong, blah blah blah bleh bleh bleh…

If I’m on your LJ friend’s list, and you don’t like what I have to say, probably taking me off your friend’s list would be a good idea. That’s the first thing.

Second thing is - no one has to like a single word of what I have to say, and feel free to call me anything you wish. I’m certain I’ve been called worse by better people. If you resort to namecalling with me, and throw a nasty label on me that I know doesn’t fit me, I’ll most likely roll my eyes. It’s said that the truth hurts in such cases. There you go on that one.

Third point of order, I call it like I see it. If I’m wrong, I’ll say I’m wrong - if not, I have nothing to apologize for.

Josh: Thank you for your tact in responding to me.

Kelly: Having read your reply, I’d like it known that John has never said anything disparaging about you to me. So he’s never accused you of instigation to me before. As for the rest, we’ll agree to disagree. I told you I wasn’t the gramar nazi!

Mandy: Tell you what.. You put a gag on your buddy and I’ll never post another unkind thing about you in this journal. That way no one has to hear you making hypocritical statements like “mind your own business” and “It’s my relationship, not yours”.

Minding my own business about your relationship? You ceased HAVING a relationship with John, so it’s not yours alone anymore - and I’m one of the ones to pick him up and dust him off. Don’t like my methods? It’s not your fault, just your problem. I never doubted until recently that you cared for John, but I think you did some things that were selfish and coldhearted, the least of which was breaking up with him. Clearly that should have happened if you weren’t ready - no blame in that. It’s not like I think you should be crucified for that decision, I’m not upset with you for that at all. But you didn’t want a relationship with him anymore and yet didn’t break it off COMPLETELY and instead opted to have him think this was a temporary separation.

Oh - whining about the ring because you tried to give it back and he wouldn’t take it? If you were breaking up with the guy, you shouldn’t have accepted it in the first damned place. Then - to top it all off, breaking off a relationship with someone while online????????? Oh yeah, that’s love and consideration of someone else’s feelings that you claim to care so deeply about.

Before you go and bawl John out for not defending you against me, suggest that YOUR friend publicly apologize before you make such assertions. If I was “bad” for what I said and John wasn’t trying to defend your “good name”, what the hell makes you think her nastiness towards him is any better or more legitimized? You’re grubbing on cake that ain’t yours. Pay for it or give it up.

“So if you want me you can write me
and the town that you can find me’s called…
KISS MY ASS, MEXICO”.