They talked earlier, same crap refried. Nathan left earlier under the guise of going to Subway and then coming right back. He’s been gone since and his phone is off. I went in to check on Maggie before I got a shower and she was lying there staring at the ceiling blankly with tears streaming down her face. I let her talk for a bit and then hugged and kissed her goodnight before I left her room. I offered to make her tea and a backrub, she said she just wanted to lie there. She tried calling some folks earlier, no one was around. I told her she should maybe get out for a bit - she told me there was no where to go. After I got out of the shower she told me she was leaving, didn’t know where she was going. I told her to leave her cell phone on and keep it with her. Now I’m sitting here tapping into this fucking computer, tired and frustrated, and needing to get to sleep as I have to work in the morning.

So.

Nathan’s out doing whatever irresponsible thing, and Maggie is out wandering aimlessly with a big hurt in her heart. And I can do nothing about either thing.

Happy Fucking New Year, folks - be safe and don’t be stupid. I’m going to bed now.

I feel horrible, just absolutely horrible. My ear infection (worse in the right) is not clearing up as fast as I want it to, even though it does seem to get better after I’ve been up for a bit. I’m still blowing my nose and coughing up nastiness every 5 seconds it seems, and generally feeling like crud. Michael was kind enough to offer to work for me this morning, and while I was going to try to go in myself I decided that taking a day off for being sick might benefit me.

I’m home, both kids have had breakfast and my sweetie brought me coffee a little while ago. He got called into work for absolutely nothing, but the damage was done by the time he left so he made a consolatory stop at Dunkin’ Donuts so it wouldn’t be a wasted outing.

Cole is watching cartoons and Avery is in her room trying to go to sleep. The problem is that she thinks she’s going to miss out on something by napping, so she’ll lay there for a few seconds and then open her eyes and start flinching and screaming her monkey ass off. If she doesn’t get quiet soon, I’m just going to get her up and let her play some more.

I’m worried about Maggie & Cheryl, and sending them both good energy and lots of love. I ask that you all do the same, please. Nathan keeps fucking up even after the fact, and nothing will change that. It is clear that he doesn’t care enough about changing (or at least making SOME effort) to keep his family together. He has NO idea how good he’s got it, man. Cheryl is in a place I know backwards and forwards, and believe me folks - she’s in need of the energy. There is nothing that can be done for either of them, as in these cases even the best of advice is useless. All we can do is offer love, support, patience, understanding, and a shoulder when it is needed. They would do it (and have) for us in a minute, nothing we have going on is so important that we cannot stop long enough to be there for those that always return the favor.

In happier news…..

Margaret Cho - The Revolution Tour 2003

New User Icons -feel free to grab one if’n it suits you!

Don’t ask, I have no idea.

I spent most of the day yesterday with Damien. We went to Flat Rock and I took some pictures of him - they turned out really good. I have really specific ideas about what I like to catch on film, I really don’t like pictures that look too polished. After Flat Rock, we went to Publix and then back home to make dinner for the family. I was in the process of cooking when Maggie told me that she had informed Nathan that she was through with him, and held up her left hand to reveal no wedding ring. Maggie has never taken that ring off since the day he first put it on her finger. She told us that he told her he was going to make it all right, and she told him “Well Nathan, you will or you won’t - the point is that I have no faith in you to do anything you claim you’re going to do.” He asked her if they could still be friends, and she said of course they could.

So basically I have no idea what happens from here on out. It’s anybody’s guess at this point. I really hope that whatever happens, that she doesn’t get depressed again. There are a lot of things to consider, but I think all in all it is a better idea for her to do this than to continue putting up with what she’s had to put up with. I love Nathan very much, I think he’s a great friend and will one day be a better father - but he’s not a very good husband. He’s just a big kid. I just don’t know. Send us energy, folks - we need it.

I’m feeling a little better today. I slept fairly well last night, and am hoping that Cole is not going to argue with me about the PS2 today. Today is going to be busy as all hell, I can feel it in my bones. If Illeigh comes over then he will have a distraction from the game and a better excuse to play outside. The downside is the two of them have a tendency to get on one another’s nerves after a little time spent together. That and they tend to get loud, which is not conducive to Avery’s naptime.

I think phlegm should be banned. Yawp.

“I think if God were real, she would look like a cross between Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth, only without the screw-top head.”
- Me to Damien yesterday

The wedding was great, very intimate and comfortable. Damien and I went in the back of the place to see Shannon before the wedding, and she was absolutely beautiful. Illeigh (her 6 year old daughter) was the only one with her, and when the wedding started Illeigh was her maid of honor. It was just Mac, his dad as best man, Illeigh, and Shannon. After they exchanged rings (Shannon cried through her vows, I knew she would), Mac paused the ceremony to give Illeigh a locket with pictures of the three of them inside. He told her that they wanted her to have it, because it was something she could have “now that our family has been made official”. Of course, this is the point in the ceremony that I started crying my damned self. I couldn’t help it! At the reception, I gave Shannon the card with the letter I wrote in it, she read the first two lines and her eyes filled up with tears and she told me she would have to read it later. About 1/2 way through the reception, Shannon went to the band’s stage and everyone crowded around to hear her sing “I Could Not Ask For More” by Edwin McCain to Mac. It was a complete surprise, no one but Amy, Maggie, & myself knew about it. Mac was speechless, the look on his face was priceless. I went home and put on my pajamas. Sometime around an hour later Shannon called to tell me how much she loved me and how much the letter meant to her. I heard Mac in the background asking how I managed to write it. They stayed at the Wyndham last night and this morning flew from Atlanta to Miami and are now on a big boat headed for the Bahamas until Thursday. Hope they don’t contract Ebola virus while they’re on the boat!

I went to my room last night and was still in the mood I’ve been in for the past 3 days, alternately crying and feeling very low. I couldn’t sleep straight away so I turned on the TV and lo and behold “Philadelphia” was coming on. I love that movie, it has been a long time since I had seen it, so I watched it…and bawled my monkey ass off…

I wanted to wake Damien up if he was asleep and ask him to come over or see if I could come over there, but I was feeling so bad from my muck (I have a double ear infection and a lot of sinus congestion) that I could only lay there and cry. I actually needed that I think in retrospect.

I still felt low this morning, and after my conversation with Maggie (who is also feeling about the same) I’m still feling shaky. my ears are popping and making wierd noises, they gurgle (ewwwww!!) when I blow my nose sometimes, and there is a constant dull ache. My hearing is really fuzzy right now, but I’m taking an antibiotic and that’ll hopefully clear it up. Also taking an antihistamine for the congestion and the crud inside my ear canal.

I need a winning lotto ticket and the ability to lighten up at will instead of making myself completely crazed, that’s what I need. In spite of how bad I feel physically and emotionally, it could all be much much worse. I have Damien and two whole families of people that love me and I have the greatest friends ever. All in all I think I’m pretty damned lucky.

I chose writing them a letter they could keep in favor of making a toast at the wedding reception, because this way they can have something of me that is permanent and not as fleeting a memory as a toast. Here is is in its entirety:

Today my friends mac & Shannon are getting married in the Rankin Quarter. Last night we all had dinner together at Chef Lee’s and it was super yummy. Mac went around the table his extended family was siting at and introduced everyone, and Shannon did the same with her side of the table. When she got to Damien and myself, she said “And these are our closest good friends, Damien & Jude” which made me very happy and very proud.

I just made breakfast for my family, to include biscuits with sausage gravy, bacon, hash browns, and eggs. We’re about to get started on the day. I’ve got to get some clothes ironed, laundry put away, my room cleaned, and showered and shaved before we go downtown for the pictures. I have to think of a toast to make at the reception, and I have to write them a letter to take on their honeymoon. That is going to be my biggest task of the day. I’m about to finish laundry and get tehse folks motivated, so I’m outta here for the time being. Have a great day, all!

The band, not my family - which I do love, just not as much as the family we made for ourselves. THEY wouldn’t look down their noses at me for bringing Damien to family Mythmas. As a matter of fact, if he doesn’t come over for some reason or other - other plans, downtime, whatever - Maggie & Nathan almost pout as he is expected to be there, which pleases me no end. Rather like when she hugs or kisses me out of the blue for no specific reason other than she loves me. I maintain that I’m not pissed off or hurt, because as long as I try to maintain a sense of apathy then it doesn’t hurt or anger me. I just try not to think about it.

Last night I recorded Margaret Cho’s movie “I’m The One That I Want” off of the Sundance channel and once again, I profess my complete love, respect, and admiration for this woman. There is none funnier, although Elvira Kurt, Kate Clinton, Mary Ellen Hooper and Suzanne Westenhoefer are also hilarious.

I’m craving some wierd stuff today. Chef Boyardee ravioli, Italian wedding soup, Chinese hot & sour soup & moo goo gai pan, and peach sorbet. I’m whacked out of my gourd, I know…

Tomorrow is Mac & Shannon’s wedding, I’m pretty excited about it. I remember the first date they went on, she told me about it and then brought him over to meet us for Shane’s last birthday (that was almost a month to the day that he died, now that I think about it) and I thought he was very sweet and funny. Then we all had a bit too much to drink and Mac showed us how he could look like a naked lady by proceeding to pull down his pants and boxers and tucking his twig and berries in between his legs. Yowp. We were all laughing our heads off, Maggie was all but choking, Shanon couldn’t speak, but through her laughter and tears managed to mouth the words “I’m so sorry!” and Shane threw his head up and looked skyward while yelling “Dude, that is SO wrong!” but then laughed when I started pointing at Mac doing his suggestive and highly erotic (BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAAA!!!!!!!) “Look! I’m a nekkid chick!” dance. I should have known then and there that he would come to embarrass the holy dog feces out of us all at every turn. Tomorrow, when I make my toast to them, I’ll finally get my revenge. Muahahahahaha… ::lowers head, rubs hands together, shifts eyes a’la Mr. Burns::

This yahoo who won the lottery millions is giving his first multi million $$$ check as a tithe to his church. His wife wants to go to Israel because “That’s where Jesus was born…” Apparently there is no more fighting between the Israelis and the Palestinians and suicide bombings and the ilk have stopped, so it is completely safe there again. Of course, if God really loved the people in countries like Israel & Chechnya, etc. (you get the idea) then you’d think he would do something about it. ::thwaps self with the logic stick::

“Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking when I said
I’d like to smash every tooth in your head.
Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking when I said
by rights you shuold be bludgeoned in your bed.”

- Bigmouth Srikes Again - The Smiths

If the pressure in my head (created by my sinuses) would just relieve itself, I would feel tons better. If I could cough without it hurting so damned much I’d feel better. If I could slap John with a flamin’ (and yet curiously still frozen on the inside) pop tart while an elephant drives in circles on a motorcycle and a seal bangs a kipper on the table, I would feel better. Do I simply ask too much? Hmmmm… ::gets a faraway and dreamy look in eyes:: Perhaps I just need to watch the Margaret Cho movie this evening, drink some more chamomile tea, and not think so much.

I ripped all of my Buckley EP’s to MP3 so I can put the boxed set up and never play the cd’s. Thank you again, Damien - I love it, it was without hesitation the best present I got for Mythmas! Cole got a Play Station 2 from Santa Claus, so he’s been a video gaming demon since yesterday. He stops occaisionally to eat. Avery got 3,092,385 toys, all of which make noise and according to her method of playing with things by using her tongue on them liberally, they all taste delicious! I wouldn’t let her lick the side of the garbage can while I was in the kitchen earlier, so she angrily looked at me and waved a clenched fist while screaming “BAD!” I’m not sure if she’s accusing me, confessing to something, or trying to give me a nickname. Could be any or all of those things. Yowp.

Mythmas was nice, I’m very grateful for everything that I was given. I had a great time at Paw Paw’s last night, and dinner kicked much butt. The down side is that I still feel like four sacks of poo and the plan is to finish my shift here and go home and back to bed.