LEVEL 0 — THE ULTIMATE IN STRAIGHT ACTING

There is no more straight acting than you. Not one person on the planet would guess you sleep with men. You might want to check to see if you shouldn’t be out wrestling with wild animals in the wilderness or jumping out of airplanes right now. You are the ultimate in masculinity and acting in a straight manner in which most heterosexual men don’t even achieve.

::struts::

Finally, Christina Aguilera has really earned my respect. I saw the video for “Beautiful”, and was extremely impressed. Also saw an interview with her where she talked about the double standard between men & women sexually, and stated unequivocally that she is a sexual person and that she would make no apologies or justification for it. I thought “You GO girl, you fuckin’ GO!! Damn some Britney, that non-singing trollop!”

I just got off the phone with Jennifer maybe two minutes ago. Her father in law died recently, it was very sudden. I didn’t ask her for the details, she said that Todd was taking it very hard and they were trying to keep a low profile. This is why Sugarland didn’t play at the Dogwood Festival, and in part why I haven’t heard anything from or of her for a while. Keep them in your thoughts and send them good energy.

Okay. Since I cannot stop thinking long enough to get a full night’s sleep, I decided to give in to my thinking too much. This post is for me to get out of my system the things I cannot get out otherwise, I’ve been in therapy for too many years and that never really helped me make any peace with much of anything. I have such drastic mood swings that I am unaware of when they change, let alone how to control them and I have yet to find the right dosage or combination of antidepressants or mood alterers that evened me out.

I mentioned that I found a lot of things that brought back memories when I cleaned out my room. Many of those things are pictures. One I found was of my first best friend when I was in Kindergarten - her name was Dawn Brown. She lived on the same street as I did, and my house was right across from the school. We walked to school together and played often. When Dawn didn’t come to school for several days, and being that I was only 6 years old, I assumed she was sick. I never really gave it much thought and when I did I would ask my Mama or Shay where she was. I remember they never had much to say about it.

I remembered someone at School saying she was missing, but I cannot recall if I knew what that word really meant as relative to a 6 year old child. I remember that soon after, there were police cars and flashing lights down the street one afternoon, and my mother told me that something was wrong but it was nothing to worry about and told me to come in the house, that I was not to play outside anymore that day. This was the day when the first bit of my childhood innocence was destroyed.

That same evening I was putting together a wooden puzzle of the USA together on the floor of our living room, my father was in his chair beside me reading the newspaper and my sister Lucy was sitting on the sofa either reading or doing a crossword puzzle or something like that - maybe even homework. My mother was in the adjoining dining room sitting at the table and doing something or other. I do not remember where my other siblings were. The evening news was on TV when I heard the newscaster mention Dawn’s half-brother’s name and turned my head to the television. I saw police officers walking him in handcuffs to a building. The newscaster mentioned Dawn’s name and the picture on the TV changed. It was a picture of a riverbank with people and police. Some of them were carrying this thing that I thought was a bed, because it had sheets around it. The camera zoomed in on feet sticking out from under the end of the sheets. I remember saying “Hey, those look like the sandals I gave Dawn for her birthday!” when a hand came out from behind me and turned the TV off. I turned around and behind me were my parents and my sisters looking at me with ashen faces. No one said anything for a while.

Willie Brown was convicted in the rape and murder by strangulation of his half baby sister Dawn. He threw her body into the river. He was a paranoid schizophrenic and had been in trouble before for many different things I think. Nothing was ever said about her to me again. I don’t remember if I ever cried for her then.

This kid, I swear… How is it possible he’s only 6 years old and in Kindergarten?

“Samantha from my class said she liked me, and she wanted to mawy me. I told hoy that she couldn’t mawy me AND Johnny. Today on the playground, she told me she wanted just to mawy me. I fell in love all ovuh again.”

“This toy is for babies, man! …(muttering to himself while walking away) Excuse me, but am I foy yeows old? No!“

“Aunt Amy said that when the sky is pink that means the angels in heaven aye baking cookies. That is the most stupidest thing I have evow hoyd, and I told hoy that too. I said ‘When the sky is pink, that means the sun is setting!’”

(To a whining baby sister) “What is UP wif you, girl?”

(giggling) “Dude, yoye killing me here!”

Cole: “I am nevuh playing wif that toy again.”
Me: “Why is that?”
Cole: “‘Cause it’s lame, dog.”

Me: “You are one of the funniest people I know, man!”
Cole, totally straightfaced and aiming a pop gun at my head: “Don’t make me use this…”

“Gwandmommy said she saw something on the news about a naked man on the loose in a black Toyota. Sissy & me went outside and I saw a black Honda and I thought to myself ‘Holy Shit! I’m shoye glad that’s not a Toyota!’”

This one’s for Renea:

One of our dinner guests on Friday (who works at Tom’s Foods) turned to me at dinner and matter of factly said “So this guy at work fell into the nougat the other day…” Once I regained my composure and ceased laughing wine out of my nose I replied “How many Peanut Logs got rammed up his ass before they caught him?”

Also, there was another great quote:

“ACK!! BOOBIES!!”
-

I spent the entire afternoon cleaning out my bedroom. I threw away 5 huge garbage bags of things I’ve kept for years but decided I needed to part with. Lots of sentimental things. Some I couldn’t bear to part with so I kept. One of them was a picture of John & Mandy. One was a memory of the last time Ryan hugged me and how it made me smile. One was a memory of Aimee calling me at the radio station late one night, I think it was around the time Tim died and I tried to comfort her. One was a chocolate Santa that Cheryl put in a hand made stocking and left on Damien’s car the night before we drove to Ohio. One was a picture of Anjelica and Donnie that is the only picture I have of Anjelica. Several were things I have of Shane, pictures, cards, clothes, memories and such. I laid these things out before me and put the memories in the front of my mind and I cried until I had no tears left.

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately talking to Renea, and as always talking to her is like the best hug you could get from someone. I swear, she’s like Bactine for my soul. There is something about having one of the closest people in the world to you make the bad things go away in one conversation that reaffirms everything you believe and hold sacred. She provides me with so much, I can only hope that I give her something equally sustaining. She understands me in fundamental ways, ways that prove she knows me very well. I would trust her to make a decision for me in my absence, because I know she would make my choice for me instead of her own. In ways she already has.

She wrote a letter to Daniel when he and I were going through the beginning of the end, about a month before it needed to be over. In the letter she pleaded with him to think carefully before renouncing me because he would find no one better and would live to regret it. This was extraordinary for two reasons. One was because she actively despised Daniel, but knew I wasn’t ready for the relationship to be over. The other was because she made a declaration in doing this at all.

Daniel never read that letter, because I never gave it to him. It was the one time she has ever asked me to do something and I didn’t do it. I decided that the letter wasn’t for him, it was for me. It was her love and support for me that got me through that day, and I keep that letter in my special box of sentimental things as a reminder and as a paper hug.

No one ever did anything like that for me before her. No one has ever been to me what she is. No one else ever will.

So.

We’re having a dinner party tomorrow night for Maggie’s employees. I’m cooking for 12 people, and we’re having my Blue Caesar, Chicken in Brandy Cream sauce over penné pasta, and Tarte Tatin (caramel apple tarts in puff pastry) for dessert.

In the morning I have to make caesar dressing, two HUGE loaves of french bread worth of croutons, and saute 3 pounds of onions with two pounds of mushrooms for the gallon of Brandy Cream sauce that I’m making. I have a 2 pound wedge of parmesan cheese to grate along with a pound & 1/2 of blue cheese for the salad. There’s 6 pounds of chicken to cook for the 10 pounds of pasta I’m serving. There are 3 bottles of Johannesburg Riesling (and 1/2 a bottle of Chardonnay that I saved for myself) chilling in the refridgerator as we speak. I’m going to make the tarts as the last thing so they will still be warm, and heat the caramel to drizzle over them right before they go to the table.

I’m really excited, I love doing this sort of thing. When I win my Lotto™ millions, this is the sort of thing I’ll be doing at least once a week in the macked-out kitchen of my pimped-out house. I took an extra allergy pill so I can sleep better tonight as I’m getting up earlier in the AM than normal to get a jump on my cooking. I want to be able to take my time, and also clean house when I’m not in the kitchen.

Tomorrow is going to be uber busy, I better get some sleep…

You Are The Suave Gay Man

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