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I want new sinuses.
I want a new stomach.
I want new teeth.
I want all of my bad memories of anything and everything wiped from my intracranial hard drive.
I want no one to irritate me today.
I want to not feel small and murderous.
I want no nightmares.
I want to destroy something that thinks it is more beautiful that it really is.
So.
I went to my room, got undressed, crept into bed and started reading form my book. Then it dawns on me that I’m not as tired as I wished I were, that kind of tired that necessitates getting into bed with a book because sleep isn’t too far away. I took two antihistamines about an hour or so ago for my sinuses (yes, they’re still on strike), so I should be getting sleepy - but no.
So I get irritated, which ultimately leads me to thinking about things a bit too much and that is NEVER good. If you lived in my skull, you’d get that one. As it is, there are only about 5 people in the world who probably do.
I got a good stock photo of a naked Barbie doll that I’m going to absolutely disembowel and make look like some nightmare form a Tool video tomorrow for my weekend Photoshop project. I’m going to call it “Robin: Underneath It All”.
In the past couple of days I feel like the sausage that comes out of the emotional meat grinder, kind of like the students in “The Wall”. I’m tired and have no appetite for crap. Between my family, my friends, and the acquaintances that I dig but have little patience for, I have concluded one thing.
Be thankful people, that I don’t give into some of the shit I think of doing, or else there would be a lot fewer of you polluting my sanctity.
I’m not responsible for the actions of other people, only my reactions to them. Quite frankly, I’m getting a little threadbare and weary from being as nice as I normally am. I’m idling at resentful, simmering at spiteful, and find myself waiting for the one that comes along one day to pet the nice little doggie a bit too close for his liking…
[SNAP]
This is the result of me stuffing my frustration and anger into a cast iron stomach already overflowing with it and noticing that there’s a crack in there that I can only stave off for so long.
Banquet of uncertainties
rich with absolutes
the colors of my sanctity
are as seasonal as fruits
won’t someone reveal me now
and seat me at my table
to carve the beast of my frustration
and devour if I’m able…
WOOHOO!!!! Today is my Maggie’s 25th birthday!! All of you who know my number, call and wish her a Happy 25th, please.
I made her blueberry pancakes and put candles in them and sang her the happy birthday song. She loved it, said they were so good they didn’t even need syrup. ::struts::
She’s going to be totally stoked this evening when she gets to open presents, I know she’s been wanting some of this stuff for a long time.
Found out a while ago from a friend in NYC that Sugarland have been signed to a record label, but I have no other news to report at this time. I’m very happy for them, they really deserve this opportunity.
I had the best time last night talking to my sister/old roommate/dear friend Monique, who heretofore shall be referred to as Mikki. That’s what she told me her name was the night I met her, and that’s what she’ll always be to me.
A lot of the details of the conversation were personal anecdotes from our youth, playing catch up and whatnot. I remembered a lot of things I hadn’t necessarily forgotten, just put away in my mind for a time. It was great revisiting those memories. We talked about Monica, who I’m told is really getting it together and that makes me immensely happy. I’d give anything to just hold them right now, and not let go - not ever.
She sent me pictures of her daughter Samantha, who looks just like her and is absolutely fucking gorgeous - I was floored. She sent me pictures of her new boy “Josh”, who apparently is a corn-fed Indiana guy and they are very happy.
I’m going to email her the pictures I have scanned of us from when we were younger, and then get busy on house stuff that is being neglected…
Ryan & Renea, I want a FULL report on Ozzfest!!
When you’re down, there’s nothing to pick you up like some
My father sends me this guilt inducing email a while ago. To surmise the sentiments in the attatched story and his rebuttal on what one is to learn from it, I’ll leave you with this bit of wisdom from him: “…regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.” So of course I’ve been on tears off and on for the past 30 minutes to an hour, but not for the reasons you would think.
It is true, I will miss my parents when they are gone from my life. But I’ve been mostly gone from theirs for a long, long time and rather than try to find out why and do something of their own volition to change that fact, they simply complain about it.
I have set up my life in such a way that I don’t have to depend on my family for anything, let alone emotional support. I maintain a safe distance from them so that I cannot be hurt by them or made to feel inferior anymore. I do not participate in family events, in as much as I can possibly avoid them, but I love them all dearly except for my brother Todd - I have no feeling for him whatsoever. He’s dead to me. But then I get an email - a fucking email - from my father that tries to make me feel more guilty than I already do for not coming around. This sappy, sentimentally recycled Chicken-Soup-For-The-Soul thing that is supposed to make me want to call him crying and try to get together with him ASAP while begging him to forgive me for being a cretin of a son. Instead it makes me hurt with the realization that if I really mattered enough to him he would ask me outright why I don’t come around instead of complaining about it vicariously through these Taster’s Choice stories. He would be the one trying to extend the hand and want to know why his own son doesn’t keep in contact. He wouldn’t be the child who tries to throw out hints and not say what he wanted to say instead of the parent who wanted to know and tried to find out because it mattered.
But no. Instead I get this email that starts out teary eyed and ends up insulting. I feel even worse trying to talk to Maggie about this, because her mother died from cancer when she was 20 and she never had a father. Then she, being my voice of reason, tells me that I cannot compare myself to her and that all of my feelings are valid and I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling hurt by him.
Fucking hell, why do they ALWAYS do this to me?
In honor of the Dishonorable Fucktard Roy Moore, I give you my newest icon:
Outside of the courthouse in Montgomery, whenever workers come to remove the monument, supporters of Chief Justice Roy Moore intend to keep it from going anywhere by locking hands and dropping to their knees. Some of the demonstrators have kept vigil at the courthouse since last week and are committed to staying as long as it takes to make sure the display stays put. “I got more energy since I don’t know when. God gave me strength,” said Scott Campbell, who arrived Thursday from his home in Gurley in north Alabama. At Frazer Memorial United Methodist Church, worshipers said they wanted the Ten Commandments in public life but had reservations about Moore and his handling of the dispute. “It was forced down our throats,” Debbie Stack said of the marker. “This has taken the focus off of God and put it on a man.”
I swear, Roy Moore is a fucking loon. Matt Lauer interviewed both him and a personal hero of mine, Morris Dees from the Southern Poverty Law Center in Montgomery. Moore will not answer a simple question time and time again, instead he uses a quick turn of phrase and misquotes someone from history - at one point even comparing himself to Dr. King, which made me see red for a minute - and has completely made himself into what Dees described as a demagogue - a perfect illustration of Moore.
Moore concedes that he stands for a persons right to stand and defend what they believe in, what they feel is their fundamental right as an American citizen. He says he is a “believer in the justice system and that you should obey higher courts - EXCEPTwhen that higher court is not going by the law, that makes them lawless - and they’re not following the rule of the law. (’Scuse me, fucknut - but you’re standing in direct abjection to a Supreme Court ruling AGAINST you…) The law is clearly the Constitution of the United States, the First Amendment and the Preamble and the Constitution of Alabama - both of which (Both? You mentioned 4 different things, asshole) acknowledge God! We’re in a situation in this country where Judges are telling us what to think and who to believe in and they simply can’t do that.” (BULLSHIT, Roy - you’re sworn to uphold all laws as a government official - let alone as a Chief Justice - to include the ones you have personal issues with! If you have a problem with the law, you take it up with the legislation you ignorant fuck.) He added “I have acknowledged God as the moral foundation of our law. It’s my duty. Should I keep back my opinions at such a time as this in fear of giving offense? I should consider myself guilty of treason and of an act of disloyalty toward the majesty of heaven.” (Oh fuck off, just FUCK OFF!)
Moore is rabidly homophobic and has used his views on Judeo-Christian doctrine from his seat on the bench to rule judgements in other cases. I found this article from the World Socialist: In a February 2002 Alabama supreme court ruling denying a lesbian custody of her three children, Moore described homosexuality as “abhorrent, immoral, detestable.” He added later that “…the state carries the power of the sword … to prohibit conduct with physical penalties, such as confinement and even execution. [The state] must use that power to prevent the subversion of children toward this lifestyle, an inherent evil, to not encourage a criminal lifestyle.” The three children in question, who were in the custody of their mother and her partner of 15 years, were given to their father - an alcoholic who had been arrested on previous occaisions for abuse and child endangerment. According to Moore, this is a much more suitable parent than a law abiding homosexual in a long term relationship with a stable home.
Other news this morning…
From CNN.com: Autistic boy’s death a
t church ruled homicide; child was suffocated, autopsy report says…
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